Toronto explored via dark continent & land of the free

A new week...........

2009-09-20T13:22:00.000-04:00

Cold mornings, Hot days, Cool evenings.

Happy Fall!

Fall Renewal!

2009-09-12T13:29:00.003-04:00

I'm eating really well during these two weeks & taking time off exercise. Refocusing my goals and taking care of myself.

I'm doing well most times. I'm looking forward to being closer to High Park beginning in November.

I've been hanging out with my friend Emma & we connect so well it's so exciting to spend time with her. I also like hearing about her relationships and insights in to spiritualism etc. This is the closest friend I've had since moving to TO & I can tell her anything and everything. I feel like I get to have a sister.

Next weekend I hope to go the water communion...

I want to take some dancing classes - I miss moving in that way on a regular basis. Free classes would be a good start :) Maybe I can create a solo class in my room!

In other news...my heart is temporarily singing the bruised blues.

Holding my breath!!!

2009-08-29T13:24:00.001-04:00

so I applied to live in this house. I really hope I get it...I will find out this afternoon...

My heart

2009-08-10T17:33:00.003-04:00

Today one of my friends wrote to me to tell me that I'm beautiful & that I have a great spirit and smile.

I am sort of swooning on cloud number nine because I feel very psychically connected to this friend even though we only talk or see one another once every four months. I can't explain the psychic connection, but I've felt it ever since we met, and I feel so blessed just to know someone like this exists. Like a parent, sibling or a guardian angel.

Like on Saturday when I was having a super low low moment and I opened my email and there was an email from my friend - after 4 months of no communication. The timing was amazing because all of a sudden, I felt alright and I knew the universe was telling me to hold on because there is so much beauty in the world and that everything's gonna be ok.

Thank you, A.D. for matching & mirroring me.

For S.D.M in BK: J'attends le Thai _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Torontonians Rule!

2009-08-08T15:26:00.003-04:00

It's been almost a year of me in Canada!

Wow!

I have made a lot of progress. However, one could also say I have made no progress.

!!!

Good times.

Mostly chilling at the library these days.

High Park is AMAZING! It's the largest park in TO and I spent six hours in the park yesterday. I was practicing Thai massage on one of my friends. It was an amazing time. She's really awesome and it's great to really click with someone on so many levels. I'm blessed to have a friend like this.

Malcom Gladwell... rocks!

2009-07-14T14:22:00.003-04:00

I just finished reading Outliers and I am blown away. It is sooo wonderful to read something written by Malcolm who things outside the box and is an amazing researcher & writer.

I find it so refreshing to read or hear ideas that question some of the things that most people regard as fact.

I think Malcolm Shumba is a beautiful name for a boy child.

Outlier made me think about things I haven't thought about in a while. I could talk for days about those things... Outlier sparked thoughts to do with nationality, US immigration laws etc. One of the things that has been most difficult for me living in North America is not having my family around. In 2003 I went through a really difficult transitional period and I just needed my mom & dad to be there. I used to wish they could have come to my graduation and held my hand and told me to come home for a year while I figure out my life, or loan me money while I was jobless. However, I had no choice but to push through and do what had to be done. Which we all do. But I felt like that struggle was unnecessary, you know - community & love seemed somehow lacking in the way that my parents could provide.

Gladwell's book talks about how success is a combination of hard work, persistence, but also strongly related to our origins, accumulative advantages, how we are parented, our year of birth etc.

Returning to my reflection of my own journey...

I'm at a stage where I know exactly what I want. Family & business wise. I know the kind of work that will make my heart full. I'm having one of those years where I feel like all I need is my mother. Or a baby.

Malcolm Shumba

Anyway. You should read all Gladwell's books.

Opening one's mind...

2009-07-14T14:17:00.003-04:00

"Fear can be manufactured simply by inventing a story about the future that is not real.....and then acting like it is real. Interesting that out of the millions of stories we could invent, we would invent a scary one. If we are going to invent stories anyhow, we might as well invent one that feels good.....takes just as much effort, it's more likely to be true and even if it isn't, you'll feel better." J. Hough

"Waiting for a sign from the Universe is like waiting for the cookies to bake, when you're the one with your hand on the temperature guage. Any 'signs' you see are simply a reflection of your actions and vibration.....the Universe does not have any control of your life......it simply reflects back to you your degree of 'yes-ness'. " J. Hough

embracing the present...

2009-07-10T16:28:00.004-04:00

As of today, I am looking for a job. (once again) hooray!
A few epiphanies snapped me back to reality.

I am fixing up my resume once again and job hunting in Toronto. I just sent out a few resumes. And no sketchy job searches. No worries there.

To be honest I gave up the job hunt after April. It took me a long time to forgive myself for not getting offered my dream job after four interviews. I hope that one day I can fully let it go and see the beauty of the situation. I am done with the "woe is me, boo hoo hoo crap". Plain negative stuff.

Anyway, aside from sending out resumes, I am exploring some new business ideas. I'm well aware of the areas I need to grow.

I have a breakthrough where workshops are concerned. The owner of this really cool art-shop is willing to have me host one of my workshops in the store. It is up to me to make the rest of this happen.

maybe a haircut is in order...

summer 2009 in Toronto!

2009-07-04T11:04:00.005-04:00

My first Canadian summer!

The garbage collectors & other city workers are on strike in Toronto & have been for over a week now.

Pretty crazy, huh?

The city is kinda of smelly. Sometimes it seems to me that TO's subway & streetcars are dirtier than NYC. In NYC they cleaned the subway every single day. In Toronto - every few weeks it seems they decide to make a measly cleaning attempt.

Definitely just my skewed opinion.

Toronto is ok. However, when I give birth to my baby (not yet conceived - I'm a virgin & I'm still looking for diaper $$ & a father), I want the little baby to be born in an obscure village in the French speaking part of Canada. Preferably a village with a long name whose meaning I don't even know.

nuff said.

this post is random.

On more personal notes...June was good. July is off to a somewhat rocky start. I'm working on a project that requires me to really step out of my comfort zone. I close my eyes & I remember my WSC family & how much they love me & always encouraged me. How Jeanne always supported me 300% - ALL THE TIME. I need sooo much support in order to see this project through and presently I feel that I don't have it. I am trying to give myself the support, but so far it's not enough & I keep stalling and postponing. Divine intervention is needed. If I don't see this through by the end of July, then I will have to postpone it for another time when the conditions are better for ripening.

Otherwise. what else.

Trying to stay aware of my intuition and leaving the ego behind. That one is a life long challenge. My ego is always ready to beat the crap out of anyone who wants to say crap or is annoying. Meanwhile my intuition is whispering to me to focus on other beautiful things.

Here is an excellent clarifier for intuition vs ego: CLICK HERE

I need some fun & challenges. just a change of some sort. maybe just Baileys and a sidekick. I really miss being a sidekick.

Bart Simpson where are you?

better yet

the days of super B in NYC...

randomness & life after colonization...

2009-06-17T11:19:00.002-04:00

yesterday, I made lunch for my friend and I & took it downtown for his lunch break. He's an interesting character - and probably more of an acquaintance than a friend. Anyway. The lunch was more for me. I wanted to extend a gesture to him that I don't entirely hate him. We are worlds apart. From the same country, but he is a super religious nutcase with all these conventional idea. A few weeks ago we had a huge argument about Christianity and the existence of god and that book they call the bible. Anyway. I was very respectful, but sometimes among people from my country there is an unspoken assumption that everyone is a Christian and those who are not are stupid.

Anyway. Lunch yesterday was interesting. He was fascinated by the whole wheat bread and he'd never eaten raisins and walnuts so I had to explain to him what those were. He didn't like the vegetables on sprouted bread - I assume it was way too healthy a taste. Also traditionally, my people eat wellcooked veggies rather than delicious raw ones...

It was interesting to talk about some issues regarding life back home. I don't know too much about my own country's history and the little bits I know, I pick up from people as I go along. My school only taught me about Hitler & Mussolini while neglecting to teach me about Nehanda. I am a true child of the FUCKING british. Anyway, my friend made the point that he agrees with the whole idea that the white farm.ers were kicked out of the country. He started to tell me about how before that happened, the white people who were 3% of the country owned 95% of the resources and most of them just sat prettily, didn't work at all and yet they were millionaires, while our black parents struggled to make a living.

Now. We own our own country...but...there is so much corruption and disorganization that a goodo 3% of wealthy black people still control things and we are only surviving because of those of us that are slaving away in western lands.

Fine.

Both of those scenarios suck. I don't think it's ok that even now, sanctions are imposed upon us until we agree to share our resources with the British. That is effed up. Majorly. I also look back and see how hard my parents worked and how little of it shows, yet many of the British friends' just sat pretty. I dunno. Maybe I was too young to notice or care. I don't think it's about race though. People can't just take advantage of us Africans like that and get away with it.
The world justice system is DUMB. It doesn't protect the poor African people from the corrupt shit.

This all make sense to me.

Anyway. Fk the past. I just want my child to grow up sheltered in a lovely village in Quebec.

Phew.

I'm doing well. Off to drink some water.

random thoughts on things fall apart...

2009-06-03T13:13:00.003-04:00

Chinua Achebe's "Things Fall Apart" is an classic novel by an African author. Before I moved to the US, I hadn't really read any books by African authors. Perhaps it's the nostalgia that has sparked my interest in Achebe. That, and the fact that I am a writer myself and I understand the importance of paying homage to those that have paved the way for us.

This book was interesting. A story about a proud man Onkwonkwo who has worked hard to obtain in social standing and wealth. He has many wives and he is a successful breeder of yams. He is proud and has worked hard to earn his success. Things fall apart for him on more than one occassion and that for me is reality. Pride before a fall. Achebe is intense in his discriptions. To be honest, sometimes I don't like the way he uses the language. However I am picky about style. The story flows well. I have a hard time reading about the patriarchy and dumb laws in a primitive African Village. I also have a hard time reading about the moment when the white missionaries came along to convert the natives from their ancestoral ways. Both systems seem very intolerant and full and rules - how can one possibly be right. My personal religion is love and I don't believe in the other stuff because it divides the world more often than not. However, that's just the way it is.

My favorite part is when Onkwonkwo kills himself because he can't bear to see his old way of life falling apart and his people compromising to christianity more and more...

In a nutshell, I'm glad I read the book, and I'm elated that I don't live in a village phew. In a week I will read his other book "Arrow of God". I am looking forward to it.

My Thoughts about "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe

2009-06-02T14:17:00.000-04:00

coming soon in my next post...

Springalicious!

2009-05-18T18:38:00.003-04:00

Remember that

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out"

whoever said that is effin god.

Spring Tyme!

2009-05-01T09:27:00.003-04:00

“And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

"Life should NOT be a journey
to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways, Champagne in
one hand – strawberries in the
other, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming
‘WOO HOO – What
a Ride!"
Mavis Leyrer

Interesting week ahead...

2009-04-26T21:33:00.003-04:00

I'm a little whiny coz I miss a boy.

There is a lot this week:
four quizzes, maybe filing Canadian taxes, applying for an apartment, waiting to hear about a job, starting to exercise again, one of my best friends flying to spend a few days with me. These are just a few of the things going on...

I must begin college application...sometime!

All these things are good. I just want a much calmer daily life though.

Walking along the beach in the spring...

2009-04-19T21:00:00.005-04:00

My first walk along the beach in 2009!

So many roller-bladers around!

On Tuesday I will attempt to run on the boardwalk :)

How to make Toronto feel like NYC!

2009-04-19T17:04:00.001-04:00

My best summers ever have been the ones I spent in New York City.

I expect my first summer in Toronto to be my best summer yet!

I'm applying to move to an apartment in a more centralized neighborhood in Toronto. From here on out it's the dumb logistics that I'm trying to figure out - rental application with the building office. I have a meeting with them on Friday.

Otherwise I'm excited at this possibility & really want this to happen :) :) :)

Meanwhile - the potential move - in date is 2.5 months away which is good coz it gives me a chance to really fall in love with the beach near my house knowing that it's temporary makes it that much more appealing!

Bring on the summer, Toronto...

Spring in Toronto!!!

2009-04-18T21:23:00.001-04:00

Never mind that it snowed two weeks ago!

It's spring. Today I took a lovely walk through the park near my house. Everything seems so much lighter and jollier these days. I did some spring cleaning & I'm getting rid of junk internally & externally. Helena The Minimalist!

Of course there are some pretty uncool things in my life presently, like not getting the job I wanted, my computer acting up & my annoying roommates.

However there is awesomeness too:
I made two wonderful new friends during the past two days. There is a 90% chance that I'm moving on July 1st to a new home. (I will find out if I have been accepted on Friday). I'm applying for an awesome program for September (application due June 30th). I'm planning on teaching an outdoor fitness class for June 1st.

Lately I have a tendency to want to do things spontaneously - like calling people at the last minute to hang out, or randomly making new plans. This is the me that I've been missing! She's back!

Trusting the universe. The rest of the nitty gritty details will sort themselves out.

Thanks y'all for your support & for sharing part of my journey.

Hiatus Again...

2009-04-11T23:19:00.004-04:00

Happy Spring, Everyone!

M-A-C makeup & unemployment!!!

2009-04-09T20:21:00.002-04:00

Today was the last day at my job! I am so proud of myself for the 4 weeks I spent there. I learned SOO much & kept my integrity throughout. I left on a good note with everyone.

My co-worker Matt was so awesome. He really understood me even though I have barely spoken to him. He gave me such a firm handshake. To me that means the world. He said "you will know where you fit, when you get there".

It reminds me of my co-worker Paul from WSC in NYC. When I left my job last year, Paul said something like "enjoy the world & don't stop until you find your home...."

Honestly I'm realizing more and more that the home I seek is just me. These next few weeks it's just me. Reading, sleeping, running, writing, walking. The next step? Setting some concrete goals. Spending some time writing my business plan. Just being me. Being open to new opportunities...

I've been missing Super B, H & all your folks in the US of A.

Does the universe have perfect timing, or is the universe always fucking up with the timing of things?

Easter! Time for rebirth! Drastic & wonderful changes ahead!

when is the last time i felt extremely happy & hopeful?

2009-04-06T03:56:00.005-04:00

early December 2008.

I remember being so elated about a lot of things. I would talk to my family on the phone a lot. I was going to UUchurch on most Sundays, I had finished working on my website, I was learning to crochet, I was mega-excited to give my bf his holiday gift, I was cooking all the time, & the future looked so bright!

What happened in between now & then?

I barely talk to my family. I became less social. The Unitarian Church became so annoyingly boring & somehow spending an hour listening to some pastor talk about how we should pray, made me nauseous. As much as the UU is not a religious community, I hate the fact that they structure things around religion & model many things from Christianity. That really started to bother me. I still want to be involved in the community with things that interest me, so maybe once every three months an event may prop up that thrills me. Also I do keep in touch with pple I care about from the community...

How can I propel myself to thrive again?

Lately, I feel like I have no concept of what it is to dream anymore? I would like to learn again. Usually I'm an idealist who's super excited about everything. I came to Toronto to build a home and I'm wondering if I'm progressing towards my goal or just surviving. Friday is my last day at my draining job.

Part of my issue lately is that I feel like I am not surrounded by people who understand me or really get what I'm all about. I know those people exist & care about me, but why are they in Georgia or Boston or NYC? People with whom I can just be & not have to say anything at all & they understand me. There must be people like this somewhere in TO that I can build friendships with.

I am building some new friendships & looking forward to spending more time with some people like Naomi, Marco, Anna, Amanda & Lhe. These are people I am so honored to get to know better.

Honestly. The only things that excite me are:

-Getting a job at the company I've always wanted to work at (I find out by Wednesday)
-Achieving below 18% Body Fat by the end of 2009
-Moving to a new home
-Playing tennis outdoors
-Cooking more again
-Dinner Parties
-Finishing a novel
-Writing wellness articles
-Having a successful company
-randomly teaching a free yoga class in High Park or one of the lovely TO parks
-Visiting Montreal when my French improves!!!
-Living with people I care about

One step at a time. For now, I deserve a medal when I make it through to next Sunday!

Happy April!

2009-04-02T03:53:00.000-04:00

Spring is here!

I haven't blogged in so long. I need stability. I've applied for a really awesome job. I will find out next week about the status of my application.

Meanwhile - popsicles & junk food & hope sustain me!

So much for holistic living & working at a gym!

More detailed updates soon. Wishing you all a beautiful Spring!

Singing the beautiful winter blues until April Fools' Day!

2009-02-12T17:13:00.004-05:00

I caved. I've stopped giving into my summery facade. I'm going to just enjoy these winter blues and take time and space and enjoy new habits and most of all acknowledge and enjoy the season!

I'll be back posting on here on April 1st. Meanwhile it's me and the icy rain and dirty snow banks and the slower season that demands my reflections, writing, meditations and holds so much hope for the summery spring and springy summer ahead.

Check back on the blog on & after April 1st! I'm wishing you all a happy season of good times and renewal!

Understanding holistic living...

2009-02-08T22:05:00.002-05:00

In the fall I was priveleged enough to experience a few months of the best health ever. I felt wonderful about everything I ate, I sat down to eat slowly and cooked three times a day and exercised a occasionally and felt so positive and great about everything. I discovered how to eat so that I feel wonderful for the first time in my life!

Sadly, sometimes that perfect lifestyle isn't quite so feasible. It's interesting how changing even one little thing in your life or compromising can have negative effects. For example during these past two weeks I've drank 25% of the amount of water that my body is used to and I can assure you that it's probably the reason my mood has tanked. Dehydration. Of course I don't feel dehydrated, but clearly my body needs more water than I've been giving it. Lately I rarely sit down and eat and I made some changes to my food that are not geling well with my body. I feel gassy sometimes and I haven't felt this way until I switched my eating recently so I know that something isn't agreeing with me.

The beautiful thing is that I know exactly what I need to do in order to get my body and life back to the state it thrives best in. So I'm getting there...

To the friends that are my family...

2009-02-05T21:27:00.003-05:00

I love you and miss you all...

In my dream world, we all live on the same street and we cook delishus Italian food & Swazi cuisine!!!!!!!!!!

Are you in on this deal? Holla!

My personality type is...

2009-02-04T19:49:00.001-05:00

INFP

Read all about me here

Young & carefree!

2009-02-03T22:16:00.002-05:00

"An adult is one who has lost the grace, the freshness, the innocence of the child,who is no longer capable of feeling pure joy, who makes everything complicated,who spreads suffering everywhere, who is afraid of being happy, and who,because it is easier to bear, has gone back to sleep. The wise man is a happy child."-Arnaud Desjardins

DEFINE WHAT SUCCESS MEANS TO YOU!

2009-01-29T15:59:00.002-05:00

I am happy, healthy and I am successful. I can confidently say that statment and it's an exciting feeling.

For me, success is following my heart regardless of what society says. Success is answering only to myself and knowing that as long as I'm alright with it, then it's definitely alright.

I feel so blessed. I am very blessed.

To get where I am it's taken being true to myself and leaving a life of supposed stability that was literally killing me. I've let go of that feeling of trying to justify my decisions to the world. It's a really grand place to be where I am.

In Dec. 2007 I made my Dream wall, in November 2008, I made my soul painting, and in January 2009, I created my vision board.

I was able to share my vision board with some friends last night. It was uplifting to share. My positive energy, strength & vision is a million times stronger than any doubt that anyone holds in their mind.

Being unconventional has always been me. I believe everyone gets to define their own world and that there is no collective way that we must all be. 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and a stressful 9-5 for life and retirement at 65. FUCK THAT.

What's MY dream? well - if you're lucky I'll show you my vision board:)

My life has been this amazing crescendo and I'm at an awesome part in my journey. I would say that the most significant moments are:

moving to NYC June '06
working with a fitness trainer October '06
pledging to a year of celibacy, teetotaller life & vegetarianism January '07
realizing I needed to do everything it took to see my family December '07
completing the NYC tri July '08
launching into a new country not knowing what it would be like, but knowing it's where I needed to be. August '08
Making the commitment to making myself the priority in my life January '09

It's so beautiful to find communities of people working on unconventional. It's not about rebellion at all. I think more and more it's apparent to me how society brainwashes us wherever we are. I hate colleges and institutions and formal education. I always have hated those things. I think it's that everything that has taught me to survive and make it is not in a book or taught to me, but rather learned through experience. I think of all the nonsense that many parents feed to their children. The effin lies. Maybe I talk about my own family here. It's taken forever to let go of the things I was taught early on in life and just claim my own beliefs.

What most inspired me to post was reading this article: CLICK HERE

To me reading such things and knowing that there are people I gel with and people around whom my way of thinking is the norm, is so beautiful. That's a community that helps me at all points of my journey. I need to be surrounded by envelope pushers and life outside boxes.

It's time. Step outside of corporations, pharmaceutical companies, convention, compliance, norms. Do something different today, just for you!

It's not a singular journey & I am grateful for the love, support & patience of others.

STEP INTO YOUR BEST SELF!

The best time of day to see downtown Toronto...

2009-01-25T02:36:00.004-05:00

7am on a weekend morning! I love to be up and about early and today I had the privelege of seeing Toronto before the dawn and reveling in the pre-rush beauty. There is just something so beautiful to me about that. I love early morning.

It reminded me of early morning New York City. Somehow everything seems pure. This sense of light & beauty being right around the corner. The smell of fresh baked goodies for the morning crowds...

Why I love big cities!!! The pre-dawn new life airs that give you a glimpse of a quieter version of the city and give you a chance to witness who works behind the scenes to make our cities thrive...On the extreme end, I love a night on the town. City lights with the promise of wild times and wonderful music...

I have yet to really experience Toronto at night. All in good time:)

What is excellence?

2009-01-16T05:24:00.002-05:00

We definitely live in an amazing age. I have a copy of 4 hour workweek but I've only read one chapter. This morning I listened to an amazing audio interview that Leo of Zenhabits did with Timothy Ferris of 4 hour workweek.

I urge you to check it out here: Leo’s Interview with Tim Ferriss

A secret world underground in Toronto!

2009-01-15T00:53:00.003-05:00

This city gets more and more awesome by the day:)

I discovered that there are shopping malls underground in Toronto - a whole web of a world with restaurants, hotels & fancy offices all linked to Union Station & the financial district!

This underworld is so large in fact that I got lost for hours trying to find my destinations today - and I'm a New Yorker. That says a lot.

Toronto is a city indeed!

I hope Steve Jobs gets better soon. Send him lots of positive energy & good thoughts y'all. That man is truly an inspiration. Get better Steve!! Take all the time you need to rest and recover.

Gyms in Toronto versus Gyms in Manhattan...

2009-01-12T22:41:00.005-05:00

Most Toronto gyms are worse than the absolute worst gym you could ever find in New York - except maybe for Bllys which is the worst gym in NYC.

I have worked out at tons of NYC gyms from the skankiest -Bllys to the chic of the chic Reebok Sports Club. I even had a short stint working for the largest chain of gyms in NYC...I do consider myself qualified to make large generalizations...

The beautiful thing about New York Gym is that there is a gym for every personality - Brooklyn has some pretty high quality customer service oriented gyms, especially in the Park Slope area. Mid Manhattan is filled with some classy workout spaces for corporate America including some chic private gyms with private Olympic pools and golf simulators. Lower Manhattan has this very sleek, sexy aerial gym, and there are numerous smaller independent studios for personal training. Also - you have lovely parks - Central & Prospect & whatever exists in The Bronx & other buroughs....

Now looking at TO...

Gyms here suck! Just like the ridiculously overpriced Toronto cell phone plans, gyms in Toronto have no tact and scam clients left right and center. Notorious for this are the huge places like Xtrem Fitness & Gdlife. The top version of a gym exists in racquet clubs around the city & in Yorkville. The issue though - Yorkville isn't all that accessible to the average jobless Joe like me! That said, I've been blessed to find some gorgeous decent facilities such as the Toronto NewsGirls Boxing Club which is a wonderful & positive safe space for women. Also quite cool is the Dynamic Conditioning Center which is an adult's playground where I go to smash tires and drag around the sled on the lovely indoor turf. The YMCA is amazingly clean & pretty classy compared to NYC YMCA gyms.

Overall verdict.

If you like your gym exercise then stay in New York!

If you have dreams of owning a studio gym, move to TO!

In the summer, ditch all gym memberships coz in TO you have the beach boardwalk and High Park, and Central Park is one of the best places to run & bike around when you're in Manhattan...

Happy sweating everyone!

In 2011 I will be my own boss because...

2009-01-12T22:17:00.006-05:00

I refuse to suck on Uncle Sam's corporate waxed balls anymore.

To those of you who will forever be part of the rat race, good luck.

I am forging my own path each day & the journey is wonderful. The destination is classy & worthwhile!

(i apologize if that expression offends anyone, but this best expresses how i feel right now. and it's my favorite statement of the day)

Neil Gaiman Quotes

2009-01-11T15:26:00.004-05:00

these quotes are the shizzle. so effin funny:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

DA- I think you'll love that quote above. Remember how when we were firsties in college we declared a war against love...if only we had memorized this quote back then!

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.”

Yay the rebel in me loves this second quote. effin formal education. i hate it.

“Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.”

That is prolly his best quote of all.

"Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and adventures are the shadow truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes and forgotten. "

Credits to Neil Gaiman, ThinkExist.com & en.wikiquote.org for above words.

Hello Healthy Habits! What I do when I'm blue...

2009-01-11T08:55:00.006-05:00

It dawned on me yesterday that the person I was a year ago and the person I am now are different. I have grown immensely. In particular I want to take time to be thankful for this new development in myself. It has been gradually happening over time, but now I can honestly say the following:

I have healthy ways for dealing with adversity!!!

In the past my strategies have been the following:

-Redbull

-Cotton Candy

-McDonalds

-Burger King

-Bagel with cream cheese

-Alcohol

-Associating with riff raff folks

Now, my strategies lately (for when I feel blue) that grow stronger with each day are:

-YogaZone exercise

-Cooking

-Taking a walk

-listening to music

-dancing in my room

-reflective solitude

-reading / listening to/ watching inspirational messages

-Positive visualizations

-writing to my best friend

This post is my way of giving thanks for some new lifetime habits that have taken a long time to cultivate but that will be with me forever.

Meanwhile - I started to think about this beautiful poem I wrote about the blues last spring. I am working on the version of my present wintery blues and one day I will perform and share it on stage...Thank you universe!

I miss New York City...

2009-01-10T19:59:00.004-05:00

listening to Stacey Kent's Manhattan doesn't help things!

I'm excited about my next visit there. 2010 here I come! New York will always be home. All the awesome things I did there. All my friends who I miss so much.

It is good to be away from New York City, because I can breathe and think away from the madness. I need this Toronto calm for my sanity. My dream world has several visits to New York every few months. Well 2010. Hold on world!

2010 Paris perhaps also.

Creative Jazz!

2009-01-10T12:24:00.001-05:00

is the theme of my weekend.

Life as a Leo...

2009-01-10T12:10:00.003-05:00

I'm used to everything being dramatic.

During the past few years I've been working on just being balanced & chill. I'm slowly getting there, but I do have my moments.

I want grand everything. Fancy meals, huge huge gestures, I like to give others & I don't even have to think twice about it.

My resolution this year is to put myself first. I'm working on it. Obviously I'm going to do it in a grand way.

In a month I will be working. Where I don't know. I'm still applying for jobs. Send me lots of positive energy.

Sometimes I'm really into my horoscope. Lately I'm this way. Most of the things they say about leos are very true for me. I like competition & like to be the center of attention. If I feel like I'm not getting those things I will withdraw or throw a tantrum or mildy pout. As I grow older, I don't throw tantrums any more. I just withdraw and find people who give me the attention I deserve. I do give others attention too so it's a balance.

However, I do want to get to a place where the ego is less important. Where I can focus on what needs to get done and just do it. Where I can just appreciate the world and give to those who need giving in spite of myself.

I love people. But I find that I like to stay away from competitive people and that when I'm sad I shut most people out. Like I just don't call or email or chat as often as I used to. Usually I take that time to figure me out. I find that I'm extremely successful at doing this in my own company given how disfunctional others can be. I think everyone is their own best life guru.

The balance is delicate. It's a journey. This is my reflection space.

My 43 things lists...

2009-01-09T18:22:00.003-05:00

One of my fave social networks online is 43things.com

Today you're honored to learn more about my list.
As of today, there are 35 things on my list that I want to do, and 12 things I've done.

Among the things I want to do are (i need to update it more but this is from last year):

make a million, fight mediocrity, get a tattoo, write a book, buy a bicycle, run faster, open a Roth IRA, make money online, never settle for anything less than I deserve, keep in better contact with the friends I have and make new friends, never lose my sense of wonder, design my own clothes, be a better sister, engage my sense of wonder regulary, go camping, start writing poetry again, be able to do pull-ups, do 15 pushups, send something to post secret, volunteer on an organic farm, become a canadian permanent resident, become a CHEK practitioner, learn tai chi & qi gong, improve my french, own a successful business, get drivers license, become financially independent, try crossfit, write a living will, become a naturopathic doctor, take a train across Canada, learn Adobe Flash CS3, learn to use Adobe Illustrator, learn to rock climb, trust more

The 12 things I have done...

made bread pudding, built my own website, do something productive every day, become a Holistic Lifestyle Coach, only buy clothes that make me feel beautiful and classy, Learn Chi Running, have a totally different life by this time next year, finish a triathlon, date, watch smallville, learn to ride a bicycle, learn to swim.

Most of this was written in 2007 when I first joined 43things. Needs a lil tweaking. I love that site. It reminds me of all the coolness in the world.

Listening to Ella...

2009-01-08T20:48:00.004-05:00

After a rocking bout of boxing, I'm home listening to jazz. Feels good:)

Now I'ma sautee some smoked mackarel with mushroom and eat that along with the rest of my swiss chard from the other day...

I have the best coach in the world.

Mentors

2009-01-07T20:01:00.003-05:00

I'm proposing this awesome idea for a mentorship group and I'm excited to launch it in two months' time. I love and need to be around people that are doing the same kind of work I am and learn from and with them and share encouragement. Anyway. I'm launching a professional mentorship group or partnership situation and I'm excited about the possiblities:):):)

Every year for the past two years I've had the privelage to attend some world class wellness conventions - one in Brooklyn and the other in Toronto. Just being around all these people who care about fitness and health is amazing. I am so happy in that environment and I always leave thinking - there must be a way to recreate this at other points in the year.

Meanwhile there is so much support for me through blogs such as these: http://zenhabits.net/

I just spent over an hour watching The Last Lecture by Prof Randy. The other day I watched Steve Jobs commencement speech.

Do you ever wonder sometimes where these people are when you need to be reminded that it's ok to forge ahead on unchartered paths? Or when you crave the nudging that says everything's gonna be alright in hindsight...

Everything is alright.

Live 'n Shine in 2009!!!

2009-01-01T04:48:00.003-05:00

My horoscope is amazingly right on target. These are exactly the thoughts that were on my mind when I decided to check my 'scope. (don't worry I'm not gonna turn into a fanatic about this stuff.) Wow.

2009 Leo Horoscope

"Living to Learn While Learning to Live"

Your usually bold outlook may be tempered at the start of the year by sad stories in the news or friends who have unfortunate personal problems. Your empathy may be charged up, and you may feel you want to become more involved with helping others. There may be a time when you're tempted to reach into your pocketbook and solve the problem with money. Although there may be a few situations where that's helpful, for the most part, it may not be as constructive as you'd like. Use your artistic talents and past experience to help guide others through hard times. In the broader spectrum of world affairs, you may have to hold back a little, contributing just enough without sacrificing the needs of you or your loved ones.

Toronto Aint no Manhattan...Manhattan aint no Toronto

2008-12-31T18:55:00.003-05:00

Seriously. All the grocery stores here close in the middle of the afternoon on New years' Eve!!!! What's that about?

A lot of banks aren't even open on weekends, and even weekday hours are shoddy.

Banks charge you to see the face of the tellar here. I'm not kidding.

Only two pharmacies are open all night.

I haven't been able to find the 24hr post office.

Add 50% of the price to account for tax in everything you pay for. Again. Not quite a joke.

Everyone starts work at 9am or 10am.

The subway is overpriced. I pay more than I did in NYC.

Torontonians take Christmas more seriously than Thanksgiving. Shouldn't it be the other way round?

Zellers smells like TJmax.

I have to travel very far to find edible food.

It snows every day beginning in September. Ok...maybe a slight exagerration.

Cell phone plans ridiculous. You get half the minutes for twice the cost.

Toronto aint no Manhattan...

Manhattan aint no Toronto...

In Toronto...

I cook every day.

I feel safe.

I am part of a caring community of people.

I have learned to meditate.

I am at home in Toronto.

I am growing every day.

Manhattan will always be my second choice of vacation. After Paris, that is.

Happy New Year everyone!!!

Twittering away?

2008-12-30T11:02:00.002-05:00

I've been a Twitteree since June.

I remember to log on once a month or so. Lately maybe once a week. I remember back when I lived in good ole Africa. We had no TV at my house most of the time I was growing up. I know almost nothing of jingles and 90210 and Twin Peaks. I barely listend to the radio and when I did it was to Alanis Morrisette or some symphony orchestra. I read a lot! I loved to read. I would lock myself in the study to just spend hours reading. I never liked the classics. Mostly cutesy stuff like Anne of Green Gables and Enid Blyton. Sometimes romance novels and I'd only read the steamy parts of the Mills and Boon romance. I was always stimulated. I studied a lot until I was 16. I don't recall ever being bored. I remember I spent 4.5 hours walking one day just to walk to and from a friend's house to give her a birthday present. I loved going to the movies and it was such a treat...

Now. Facebook, Twitter, Google and my present self employed status and lack of discipline are uncool. UNCOOL.

2009 will be different my friends. I will devote more time to blogger and hotmail and gmail. I will discard my twitter and facebook time. Hello blogger.

However I am greatful for Tynan's blog.

How often do you feel passion?

2008-12-30T03:54:00.004-05:00

It's 4am. I've been up for a while.

My roommate just knocked on my door because she has a medical emergency. Lately it seems she confides in me about her medical issues. I feel so honored because I love healing and helping.

So I'm in my PJ's and smell like ----- because of blablabla also my breath is unpleasant coz I've had a super duper lazy day today. Did not brush teeth yet. ewww. So with my very limited knowledge and the help of webmd, she's now off to take a taxi to one of the only 24 hour pharmacies in Toronto. And she has my number if she needs me.

It's quite exciting. I think this is probably the second time I've felt any kind of productive emotion today. Something really wonderful happened today and I was very happy. Then the responsibility dawned upon me and the joy went to the background.

I had a very productive day. But the tasks I took on have exciting long term results but offer no satisfaction for today.

I'm going to take a shower now at 4am. I feel rather icky.

I feel so bla. I love the stability and goodness I have here in TO. BUT I miss the NYC adrenaline rushes and 24 hour everything. My life here is so effin decent. I want brand new clothes and to be 600% fitter than I am now. Tall order.

This is more of a whiney blog entry.

I'm going to be up for the next 19 hours.

Right this moment I feel mediocre. UNCOOL.

I want to take violin lessons. I get bored so easily and my mbira lessons are cool but too far away. I will reassess this thought in a few months. Maybe I can find a violin teacher who lives very close to me.

Fuck mediocre. Since when did I become mediocre. Why are my standards so high? Why do I get bored so easily?

I think back to when I was working. I used to stay up just reading sometimes then I'd get sad because I had to stop reading in order to go to work. Now that I'm not working - it's not like you find me immersed in a book everyday!!

I find that if I choose to I can focus really intensely on a goal, but if something happens to break my focus, that's the end of that goal. I'm good at goals that have tangible destination. Like moving to NYC. Or moving to Toronto. Going home. Completing triathlon.

Maybe I should seek out adventures that have me traveling around Canada.

I am now embarking on some intense goals for the next two weeks. Among which is..."finish writing a book". After which I may call upon one of you readers to be my editor. Then there's the e-book project I must complete and convert format.

I'm tired. bye bye. I'm hungry :( cooking at this hour could be fun...eggsssssssssssss....breadddddddd....chickennn saussaaaaaaggee...delish delish delish.

I am craving attention. I am also very angry. Watch out world.

Homeland Dreams...

2008-12-29T04:46:00.004-05:00

Note. this post is not structured. just rambling rambling irregularly.

Soooo strange...

ok. Maybe this is too much information. But wtf. A while back I made a decision that when I die I would like to be buried in Toronto.

Ok. That is too much information. I have a million more years to go though so no worries.

So. everytime I have a dream that's set in Zim, I wake up feeling so weird. Like where is this place??? I mean considering I haven't lived there in 8.5 years, it's amazing how my subconscious recalls it so vividly.

Toight I had a dream...

We were living at our house in Highlands. Huge house, many acres of yard and a well, pool and lots of corn in the back yard. In the dream, the house and yard looked exactly the way it did when I was in 3rd Grade.

So we had this maid Tracy. In the dream she had a boyfriend who happened to live in the servants' quarters of a nearby house.

(growing up we were middle class and we had maids and gardeners) (now almost everyone is poor because of blablabla)

(given all the terrible ways that the colonizers treated us. how could we then go on to treat other people of our own race just as badly by taking on the same classism that had been directed towards us. how could us, black people, have maids who we paid very little and who we confined to living in these tiny really gross shacks)....ok. disclaimer. in my family the maid shared a room with yours truly and was treated almost like family. i effin hated sharing my room. but maybe that was more humane...

Ok. back to the dream.

In the dream, the maid went off on an errand to buy bread or something from the grocery store. Instead she ran off to steal some loving time with her boyfriend the gardener. since she was taking forever to return and the task was timely, my sister and I went to go get her. We found her. So on the way back to the house - we had to run quickly through a field of dried corn. The maid kept saying how we had to run faster coz the corn spirits had been angered and were gonna kill us. And in the dream I taunted back saying "Corn spirits don't exist. Fuck them!". My sister was appalled to hear such language and cautioned me abour respecting the earth or something....then the corn spirints got angrier but luckily we made it back to the house in time.

I dunno. I just feel weird. Right this second I can recall every single detail about the house in Highlands. We only lived there for 4 years, but all of a sudden today 18 years later, everything is vividly awake in my memory...

the kitchen had bright green walls...There were two mulberry trees in the yard...i remember my mom making mulberry jam and my dresses being stained with the juice...the well in the garden was really deep and dirty and ancient but we kids found it so exciting that we had an actual well in the yard. my neighbors had a lychee tree and sometimes they lychees fell into our own garden. my parents had two cars - a blue nissan pick up truck and a white nissan datsun that my mom drove to work. my mom was a nurse at the main city hospital. my sister hadn't been born yet. my eldest brother hated everyone and one day tried to kill the other brother. The curtains in my room where purple and flowery. I used to have these out of body experiences. I was in 3rd grade. i would wake up with this feeling that I had been flying around my room all night and I was convinced it was the case. my 3rd grade teacher Mrs Harnden used to read Roald Dahl to us. I remember listening to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I was a very cute child. I was still alright. I had very neat writing. One day when dad was supposed to pick me up from school, he was 3 hours late and it was dark. Everyone had left. and so I decided to walk home. We lived a 15 minute walk from the school but my parents never let me walk. Anyway, so I'm walking along and then dad finally shows up as I'm on my way and I got yelled at. Like super duper yelled at. I cried. My cute little 3rd grade self. I thought I was being sensible by walking home and here I get yelled at for walking home alone. Effin parents. I also remember going to Greenwood park. It's this really awesome theme park kind of - with ferris wheels etc. I remember going boating with my classmates and I was wearing this lacy green dress (i did wear dresses) and my belt got lost. Dad was late to pick me up after that trip as well. That's when I stopped trusting my parents. You can't be late if you tell the child you'll be there at 5pm. I mean...don't parents have to be perfect or something...

I used to have this really awesome jacket. It had snapper buttons and was a mixture of all kinds of cute graphics and colors like yellow and pink. My mother is a super duper seamstress and she made it for me. I wore it to almost all my civies days (the days when you didn't have to wear uniform) in primary school.

All my life I slept with the light on. Until very recently I started to turn the light off. Right this second I want to sleep but my body and mind are just wide awake. my head hurts prolly because it wants to be asleep too...my room is 150 degreen hot. i'm convinced that maybe i'm sleeping in a sauna in some sleexy seedy gay bar. i just turned on my lamp. now i'll try to sleep...blogging while i sleep isn't helping. i don't usually fall asleep like this. always a first. not working....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

dunno why these things are on my mind. must sleeppppppp for a few more hours. just needed to get it out on paper. or screen.

Super Start Strong Sunday!!!

2008-12-29T03:56:00.006-05:00

Well...now it's Monday.

Sunday was amazing. Mostly because it was the last Sunday of 2009 and to me, such things matter. Dates and ceremonies.

In the past year I would say that so many miracles and blessings happened. I can confidently say the following:

1. I know for sure what I want to do with my life and I'm getting there every day. It's a lifelong journey and I love it. It's not work - it's my legacy and I feel a very strong calling to it.

2. I don't care what anyone thinks of me and the things that I do or have done. (Sometimes I care for a moment, then it fades away just as soon as that doubt showed up). Only my opinion matters because I've been there since my conception and through all the ups and downs of my own journey.

3. I am super duper confident in my daily choices and I allow myself to learn and falter as part of my journey.

4. The most significant things about my year:

a) meeting Paul Chek. And for the first time since I became interested in health and fitness, I met someone who actually followed the advice he gave people, and who actually made sense and looked at the whole person, instead of just muscles and appearance. Meeting Paul has changed my life in amazing ways. He is not a hero or anything. His legacy journey just happens to be one that can reach me and inspire me in ways that I need. It's about finding an approach that works for you as an individual so you can be your best...In August, I attended a Q & A session here in TO. For the first time in my life I heard someone answer questions I had had all my life in a way that just clicked and made sense and was true. Like: how come some people are born into difficult situations? etc... Rock on Paul.

b) meeting my boyfriend. For me it all happened unexpectedly at a moment when I wasn't thinking about dating because my energies were so focused on triathlon and leaving NYC. I am blessed because I met someone pretty kool who I actually care about and doesn't bore me - in fact challenges me to grow. My first internal response after meeting him was "wow-cool people like this actually exist?" and" i thought i was the coolest person ever, how can someone be cooler?"!!!!! anyway. it was quite humbling. Also I've been in a healthy place in my life for a while now and it's nice to be in a healthy relationship that's not about obsessive everysecondcalling, codependence and other obsessions. I guess this relationship seems to be in line with where I am in terms of self love and wanting to share myself in healthy ways and learn from/with him. Thanks handsome. (hnk if you're reading this:))

c) Going home to see my family. After 8yrs. I can't believe I actually made that decision to see them. It was financially and emotionally a difficult decision to make. I was heartsick to see them and I feel like I've seen them and now I need to focus on taking care of just me for a while. I've given everything in being there for them for 8.5 years. Emotionally and financially. I've reached a place where I just need my life to be about me in North America. Seeing them made me realize they were alive. That's all I needed to see. Now I must move on and focus soley on stabilizing my own life and in a few years I'll be even more of a solid rock for them and with them.

d) Focusing on my journey. Letting others take responsibility for their own issues. Letting others make their own mistakes. Unless someone is my client or seeking out my advice, allowing them to make their own health and wellness journey. After all it's a journey, nobody has all the answers and one person's answers are different from those of the next person.

e) Again letting go. Focusing on me and what I need. Always.

f) Feeding the things that make me happy and grow in healthy ways. Being thankful for my blessings.

I'm disabling comments for this post. Just coz this particular post is rather sacred to me and needs no judgement or encouragement. It just is. This is where I am now. I embrace it.

See y'all on here in 2009! I'm definitely back to blogging all the time now so check my blog!!! Juicy posts coming along. I don't have a journal so this space will be my journal. Maybe you'll learn more things about me like - which South Park character I would like to meet...or the things that are running through my mind at 3am...also want to write down my dreams on here...

Namaste.

I love 43things.com!!!!

2008-12-28T12:47:00.001-05:00

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a

Healthy Self-Knowing De-Clutterer

Kujichagulia Day 2 Kwanzaa

2008-12-27T19:08:00.002-05:00

Yay!!!

Kujichagulia means self determination. Defining and naming yourself through freedom of thought, freedom of action and self will and power.

That's a beautiful thought.

Today I've spent a lot of time exploring with the Flash program. It's quite exciting to learn. I'm in the process of learning some different programs. I'm considering starting a blog to share some of my digital journey. Mostly for myself, I guess. I miss blogging with purpose. I miss journaling. I don't even own a journal right now! Maybe that's why I tend to talk a lot...

Today is boxing day!!!

2008-12-26T07:33:00.005-05:00

Christmas was pretty cool.

The best thing was spending many hours in the company of these awesome people. They're really radical thinkers and they love each other and i twas amazing to be around. At the end of the evening, we felt like best friends forever.

I am blessed with knowing and meeting people that are amazing. Every week I meet people who are so loving and beautiful. I can only hope that I can share some light also.

I am the the process of choosing a three word resolution for 2009. I know for sure that there are three things I want to put most of my energy into :

1. Looking after myself and making myself the priority in my life.

2. Practicing focus. FollowOneCourseUntilSuccessful.

3. Thinking positive thoughts

NYE I need to spend alone being artsy and doing the things I love. Also some reflection time. Yippee! meanwhile, I must rest, rejuvenate and get ready from some six week focus programs which start tommorow:)

Oh dear...It's Christmas morning and I'm on blogger :)

2008-12-25T08:11:00.006-05:00

I wouldn't have it any other way!

So I've decided that in small ways each year I will honor the Solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa & the new year.

Last Sunday we celebrated Hanukkah at my church.

On a personal note, I am seeking three Hanukkah miracles :

1. Nine clients for January.

2. $300 000 saved up by Fall 2010.

3. Success in my North American immigration journey.

In honor of the solstice, I am taking time out to enjoy the weather and also go through transformations so that I emerge from the spring triumphant. The winter transformations I am working on are

1. getting in super awesome shape so that in the spring I can start training for my marathon.

2. to be thinking mostly all positive thoughts by the spring. I'm doing very well with that one... It's amazing how much progress I continue to make on this. It's beautiful.

Speaking of Christmas. Last night I went to the Christmas Eve service at my church. It was so beautiful. The first time in my life that I saw something good that is related to Christianity. I love my church. It's Unitarian Universalist meaning that we are open to all beliefs and everyone can decide from themself what spiritual living means and we find out connection through being human. It's soooo amazing to be part of this family.

During last night's service we sang carols. The pastor lit a candle and everyone had their own candle and we passed on the flame until everyone's candle was lit. We sang "The twelve days of Christmas" Elmo style !!! The pastor retold the nativity scene in a very cool way. He stopped at three different points to focus on three aspects:

1. Embarking on a Journey. This woman came up to share a super duper inspirational story about her life. She's been a social worker for many years, she comes from a large family and is always the one who is relied on to take care of things. She's been a single parent for many many years. Her life has been about giving giving giving. Until one day something happened that prompted her to do more of the things she wants to do. So she got a tattoo, and took more ownership of just being an individual. She talked about how in our UU community you receive more than you give so it makes you want to give even more...so true....This really moved me. The main reason I left teaching is that each year I felt like I was giving and giving and losing without getting back in my life. Taking care of my family and disintegrating in the process. I felt like I did teach as a back up plan but really I hadn't figured out what I wanted yet. But now I know what I want. Since I left teaching, I spend all my time doing only the things I want to do. Fuck convention or what anyone thinks of me. I'm living my life and it's bloody beautiful:) There is no reason to compromise or succumb to the norm. It makes me happy as it is and it will only get better from here.

2. Being turned away at the Inn. One of the congregation members shared with us how crappy the health system in North America is and how unless you go to a private hospital, you need to go through the emergency care and usually they don't let you stay overnight and admit you unless you can convince them you're doing. As a result of this system, her monther's stroke systems went ignored until she finally had the stroke and almost died. Effin North America and Allopathic medicine. It makes me so angry...like peopel tell me about their 10 minute doctor visits??? what is that? Naturopathic Doctors spend 60-90 minutes with you - really caring and helping you figure out and treat the cause of disease...these two types of doctors should work together to bring health to the people...fat chance. In 6 years I'll be an ND. I digress.

3. Giving birth. At this point, a woman came up to share with us about how she had her daughter a year ago. It was great to hear her talk about how bitchy she was during the last days of pregnancy, but how when the baby was born, just one look into her eyes brought so much hope and beauty into her world. Ok... and so my little wondering mind began to fantasize about making babies!! For a split second.

The service was so beautiful. The people at my congregation are my family. I am so happy and blessed. After the service, the children pounced on the gingerbread house outside the church. One of my friends asked me where my bf was. Then I just got annoyed and sad that she'd asked me that question. For the first time this season, it dawned on me that maybe I was a little sad not to be seeing him on this day. I know it's just a day and I don't care. But after my friend asked me, I actually gave it some thought and I felt sad. Oh well.

Then i went home and I made beautiful meal!!! I made organic cranberry sauce with agave nectar. It tastes better than the canned stuff. I made it from scratch and it's all healthy - you can eat miles of it without getting a sugar high!! It's flavoured with cinnamon, allspice and ginger and has apples and pears and oranges in there...how delish. I also baked some yummy dark mean turkey and cooked delishus brown basmati rice. The best part - I made a brilliant vegetable peanut stew with kale, chard, mushrooms and lots of other goodies. This stew is sooo divine. I wish someone would share it with me.

Now I'm up. updating my blog. I'm going to the gym!!! It's Christmas morning and I'm going to the gym even though I haven't been in forever! Only I would choose to do something like this.

Then I'll come home and cook delish breakfast, watch cheesy holiday movies on my laptop while the cherry pie is baking. Then I'm off to Christmas Dinner with E & B from church at their house. They get to sample my cranberry sauce!! yay :) Then after that it's home time.

And tommorow is day one of kwanzaa!!! Tommorow I want to go to the gym and the movies. I'm one of those resolution people, so I'm thinking of what I want to work on in 2009. I will choose three main things with tangible results. yippeee yippeeee yippeee.

I guess the holiday spirit did catch on to me after all. I'm having fun and doing only the things I want to do. Hip hip hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Effin Holidayz...

2008-12-17T06:28:00.005-05:00

For the past two years I had this adorable little Christmas tree in my room in Harlem. I would keep the tree up and all my Christmas cards up for three months. Why. Because I am a big cheeseball. The tree was about 1.5 feet tall and decorated with silver gift packages and tinsel and christmas lights. I kept the tree under my lovely loft bed. My room always looked gorgeous...

I hate Christmas. Especially this year. I hate consumerism. People go around buying crap. I wouldn't mind so much if the holiday had a different name. Like Walmart Day. I have a huge issue with the history of this day. Who was Jesus? Did this person even exist?

Why is the world so dumb. Why are people so gullible that they buy stupid stuff and live at Walmart.

Am I just as dumb?

My grandad used to kill us a goat at Christmas. Now the cost of a goat is a couple thousand USD so they can't afford to kill a goat. And my pops used to make me recite baby jesus verses from the bible on Christmas Day. That used to upset me and I would think "I would rather be buried alive than recite this crap".

I'm still alive.

December 25th 1997. I ran away from home at 7am. I told my dad that I hated him and that I didn't want to celebrate Christmas Dinner with them.

I came back home a few hours later. Sniffling and sobbing. I got dressed, and then pretended to eat breakfast. The car was not working, so we took a commuter omnibus to Cranborne to have Christmas Dinner with some close family friends. Tasty food. Dumb Christian nonsense. Meanwhile my heart is effin breaking and all I could think about was calling Katie the next day to tell her everything...about how i hated my parents and how i died everytime I had to pretend I believe in christianity. If only corporal punishment didn't exist.

Some memories aren't so bad. Like playing Santa with my siblings and making them sing "we three kings of orient are...". I used to get everyone a gift. One year I saved up all these $2 bills and made everyone Christmas Crackers. I remember when my parents bought us books at Christmas. And the huge Christmas tree we had in Highlands. I even remember when I believed in Father Christmas. I was a gullible sucker.

Ok....

Fast forward to North America. Aunty Susan and company. Christmas there was always the best. I got lots of prezzies and she treated me just like I was her daughter. She always does. I miss my stocking...Christmas in Burlington, VT with Hannah's family. Magical. There is this adorable picture of us in our holiday clothes passed out on the couch...Advent calendars in upstate NY...Going to the National Cemetary in DC with SVG and company on christmas day...then last year sadza with Peshi & company in New Jersey and my brilliant photo holiday cards that I gave to everyone...my secret santa at work who gave me all these kool triathlon gifts...

Ok. This year I'm spending Christmas dinner with these peeps from my UU community. I decided that I don't like celebrating Christmas. But I get so homesick around now and I don't want to be sad.

When someone says happy holidays to me I feel like yelling. Or throwing up. Why do humans follow so blindly. I don't want any holiday wishes or presents or christmas cards. I just want a friggin normal month. And to know that my family is ok.

I do respect whatever y'all celebrate. Maybe I will make myself into a stereotype and celebrate Kwanzaa.

I love giving. I always have and always will. I prefer to give to people because it makes me so happy. I like to make someone smile. In high school I remember I knew most people's birthdays and would always make stuff like cards and get gifts. I prefer to give. Receiving is fun sometimes but I only like to receive meaningful and useful things. I don't like gifts that are cheap, or afterthoughts that take two seconds to conjure up. I prefer hugs and snail mail and thoughtful things.

I will celebrate the New Year in style. That is the one tradition that I cling to. I am cooking dinner and having peeps over on Jan 1st.

Happy new Year everyone. Will post again in January. Happy Kwanzaa everyone!

Yonge Street does look pretty...

Why Toronto...

2008-12-13T08:27:00.002-05:00

I am asking myself why I am here.

I don't know where I want to be.

I need safe space. Family and friends who feel like family. I am slowly finding that and it's beautiful.

I am working on being patient and caring about other people.

I need a huge hug right now.

More on why I love TO

2008-12-02T20:12:00.002-05:00

Yonge Street is to pretty with the holiday lights!!

I hardly see policemen/policewoman. Whenever I see one if freaks me out. Quite a contrast to NYC where it seems like there's a bunch of cops at every block...

Improv Toronto events like playing Where's Waldo in Eaton Ctr

Hmmmmm....I'm even used to the ridiculous taxes now.

Insomnia, dark chocolate and tantrums

2008-10-17T04:13:00.002-04:00

Some of the most transformative ideas enter my head during the wee hours of the night when I should be sound asleep.

Right this moment I am high on dark chocolate. I dunno what happened, but yesterday I decided to eat a whole bar of dark chocolate- I dispersed my intake throughout the day with the most being had just before going to bed.

Well - resulting with waking up at 2am and being completely off the wall hyper. Two hours later, I am still jumpy, irritable, just want my mummy or someone to use as a friggin punching bag. No, I wouldn't use my mum as a punching bag.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Nothing like this awesome website to give me more crazy ideas.

i don't feel so well...:(

Having a blast...

2008-10-11T21:59:00.002-04:00

Been watching my favorite anime- Ranma 1/2

So I'm all happy and smiley- full of endorphins.

Add to that...reading articles like this: http://crazyshout.com/blog/?p=19

No disrespect y'all...

But I love David Blaine.

It's almost Thanksgiving!!! Church tommorow, then Thanksgiving Eve dinner with friends !!

Sometimes I don't shine...

2008-10-02T10:52:00.001-04:00

For some reason in a low point. The next three days will be beautiful because I have my HL coach course coming up!!!!

Very excited:)

My home

2008-09-27T10:39:00.003-04:00

I consider TO my home. I'm always a New Yorker at heart, but my home is here.

I'm so blessed to have found a good place to stay and be making lovely headway with finding my peace. I definitely need to work on holding onto my peace and not letting anyone steal it. Your peace is rightfully yours.

How to undo the negative cycles and thought processes that hinder progress.

Simple. Imagination & positive energy!

What happens to a dream deferred?

2008-09-27T02:33:00.002-04:00

Langston asked that eons ago...Four years ago I asked the same question.

Here's the answer...

A dream deferred sags like a heavy load or exlodes into wonderful reality.

My advice...don't defer your dreams. Make them reality!

Start Strong Sundays

2008-09-21T13:51:00.004-04:00

Happy Sunday!

For the past year- I've termed my Sundays Start Strong Sundays.
Sunday is my fave day of the week because for me I get a chance to start anew and try again. I get to clean my space and air out and bring in positive energy. I'm spiritual and thrive on rituals so Start Strong Sunday gives me the opportunity to bring in some goodness into my life in various simple ways. Every Sunday for two years how I've been getting a motivational email from Spark telling me to keep going. It's quite cheesy- sometimes I respond to that email!

A day to rest my body and just breathe. Wow. Every day is a blessing, but to me Sundays are especially so.

I would like to treat this blog more like a journal - except I hardly post - my energies tend to be elsewhere.

Yesterday I had this beautiful vision of my future home and neighborhood. I'll be moving there in 2013 between now and then I need to procure $500 000 cash. Gotta work my tush off for it. As I say while I lounge around and sleep all September away!! Great.

Today is the 21st of Sept and I give thanks for 21 blessings:

-communication
-love
-forgiveness
-family
-true friendship
-clarity
-the journey
-my sexy danskin pants
-art
-my congregation
-manga
-books
-letters
-health
-my body
-music
-dreams
-growth
-my hot soulsista tank top
-my digiframe
-imagination

I love Toronto in the healthiest way possible & it feels good. Not infatuation or fake love. I love Toronto because it houses me in my most healthy state and things can only go uphill from here. I love TO because of the little green nooks and crannies everywhere. I like the neighborhoods I have yet to explore and the ones whose glimpses drive me wild like West Queen West. The possibilities that knock at my window every day. The gorgeous winter that's coming up. The cheesiness that TO inspires in me. Even that, I love. Mostly I am grateful of this space that's a balance of diversity, health, community and urban life.

Happy Sunday all!

Today is September 14th and I am giving thanks for 14 things

2008-09-14T18:13:00.003-04:00

Things I am grateful for today in TO

A good HOME
The beautiful green spaces along Queen St. East
Enlightenment
My dad & how he inspires me
Streetcars
Books and how they captivate me
My triathlon
Water
My friends all over the world who support me
My family
Growth
Today's amazing Start Strong Sunday
Soul food
Congregation

Answers to the poll! More updates...

2008-09-08T12:27:00.004-04:00

The following are Canadian inventions: Basketball, Pictionary & the Telephone.

Can you believe they have a phone company here named Bell after Alexander Graham Bell? How cheesy is that? As cheesy as Chiitos I say. Gross.

Toronto, abbreviated TO has other redeeming qualities that I'm learning to discover....

Almost every other block has a payphone. I have yet to find a nonworking one. Efficiency & public service hooray!

I haven't seen any hobos or beggars on the subway. Good social assistance programs.

Downside: They tax you for EVERYTHING....When I buy something I automatically add a few extra dollars to the listed price because that's ultimately the real price...I never did quite understand why the price isn't listed inclusive of the tax.

I did mean to write a post about pizza, but I don't think I'll be doing much pizza eating. Meanwhile- gotta live through this week. Been here almost a month. Gotta just become & embrace the term Torontonian.

I hereby renounce my New Yorker ways & learn some manners & cleanliness!!

What I like about Toronto...after two weeks

2008-08-28T22:46:00.001-04:00

This is my 4th blog at least. I will post on here once a week or more.

My first post would have been "What I miss about New York". But to be honest that's not how I feel. Why I like Toronto so far...

Everyone says washroom instead of loo/restroom.
I haven't found the black neighborhood yet
People actually let you get off the subway before they get on
The subway still uses tokens- kinda like the good ole days of Boston tokens! I hate the CharlieCard system
No hobos on the subway
The Eaton Ctr is safer than Times Square coz you don't have to strain your neck as much to look up.
Not a Dunkin Donuts in sight. Phew
I can tolerate Harveys & Tim Hortons & Timothys. Can't say the same about Micky D's & Starbucks...
You don't have to swipe your pass on the bus- you kinda just flash it and they trust you!
I'm forced to learn my ordinals. You're kind of expected to be a human compass/organic GPS. Duh.
The city sleeps, and so do I
Toronto is very green- less trash cans & most of the city recycles - even downtown!
So many green spaces- parks. I feel so in sync with nature here and yet still connected to city life

Next post...the best pizza in Toronto...

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